Coping With Parents

An excerpt from the book Do You Stutter: A Guide for Teens

 

 

Stuttering can create a different kind of problem between you and your parents than most any other one that you’re apt to run into.

 

As you’ve grown up, your parents have told what you want to do and not do, how to behave and not behave, what to eat and not eat, and so forth and so forth and so forth. You’ve argued about some things, agreed with some others—you did some of the things they suggested, didn’t do others—told your parents what you’ve done at times and not told them at other times. Issues or problems between you and your parents often are out in the open where you can talk about them, laugh at them, cry because of them, argue and even yell about them. But, at least most of the time you talk to each other. For most teenagers, the problems of stuttering aren’t like that.

 

When you talk with your parents, you’re apt to be spending much of the time while you talk in trying as hard as you can to hide your stuttering and they spend most of their time pretending not to notice when you do stutter.

 

You’re both—in varying degrees—uncomfortable and yet it seems to be something that you and your folks pretend not to notice—and as a result, don’t talk about. This leaves you feeling rather sad—and worried. And, people who care about each other do worry. They worry about what the other is thinking and feeling. When they don’t talk about it, they have to imagine what the other thinks.

 

When you imagine what your folks think about your stuttering, you, like everyone else, imagine the worst. Stuttering is awful to you; therefore, your parents must be thinking “awful” thoughts about it and—possibly—even about you. Add to this the fact that at times they do such things as finish words for you, talk for you, look away from you when you begin to stutter, or tell you to “take your time,” or –“think about what you want to say,” among other things.

 

When your parents do and say things like that it doesn’t help, it only adds to your worry—and to your feelings of being all alone—and not knowing what you can do about it.

 

I want to discuss with you problems I have found that teenagers and their parents often have in facing the stuttering problem openly. I hope that you will find that some of the questions I ask are those that you have thought of and have worried about.

 

 

If you think that your parents do that, you aren’t alone. It’s one of the most common concerns I hear from teenagers. You might be surprised at some of the responses parents give.

 

One reason for not wanting to talk about it is that they are afraid it would upset their child if they showed disappointment in the ways the child talks. They go on to say that their child doesn’t talk to them about it and appears to be upset and embarrassed when stuttering occurs. This makes them feel that it is a very private and personal thing to their child—and they respect this and don’t want to intrude.

 

Isn’t this interesting? You don’t talk to them because you believe they don’t want to talk about it and they don’t want to talk to you because they believe that you don’t want to talk about it!

 

This may seem like an odd situation and yet it is not unusual at all. Let me take an example that does not involve speech. If a good friend of yours does something during class in school that is embarrassing, you are likely also to feel embarrassed for your friend. If you like this person, you are apt to not talk about it after class—not because you thought what was done was so awful but because you respected your friend’s feelings. You see, this is what some—perhaps your—parents do too. They do it not necessarily because you stuttered but because they can see that you are upset by it—and they respect your feelings.

 

Another reason that some parents give me for not talking with their child about stuttering is that it is no big issue with them. It doesn’t bother them too much—they’ve gotten used to it. In fact, they may state something to the effect that “we only came today to find out about it because we were told that we should.”

 

These parents may tell me that their child doesn’t stutter too much around them. “He’s one who doesn’t have much to say about things.” “She likes to be alone a lot so she can read, and listen to her music.” “He’s our quiet one.” “She’s not like her younger brother who talks all the time and is very outgoing.”

 

There is no way for them to know that you are avoiding situations where you would have to speak—not because you like being alone but because you’re afraid you will stutter. They can’t see the times you substitute words, or the times you just nod your head instead of speaking, or the times you talk only when you think you can say it without stuttering. They don’t know how you feel inside unless you tell them.

 

A third, and the most common reason that parents give me for not talking to their teenager about stuttering is that they just don’t know very much about it and they don’t know what to say about it. They feel bad about this. They have helped their child grow up and now they have an ever increasingly independent teenager.

 

Over the years they were able to understand your fun times, your problems, your successes and your failures—because they had experienced them as they grew up. They are able to help and guide you from their own experiences—Oh, you argue and you may yell at each other some—but still you both generally know where each is coming from—you just don’t agree, that’s all. And that’s alright. Most of the time you’ve worked it out—or agreed not to work it out—because it was out in the open where you both could talk about it.

 

But, stuttering isn’t like that. Your parents may not be stutterers. They don’t know what it’s like. Yet, as your parents, they believe that they should know how to help.

 

Now, if you will, try to “walk in their moccasins” as an Indian was once supposed to have said. They don’t know what to say or do to be helpful. They don’t understand—and they feel somewhat embarrassed and even helpless because they don’t.

 

The fact that, in most instances, it doesn’t help much and only makes them feel bad—and, you sad, or, even angry. Can you begin to see how important it is that you and your parents talk? There comes a time when one must quit pretending that the stuttering problem can be hidden. You’re unhappy because you stutter. Your parents are unhappy because they don’t know what to do or say to be helpful. It’s time to talk with each other.

 

Most of the time in the past when you and your parents talked about a problem, it was your parents who started the conver­sation. In this instance, however, your stuttering is your problem, and it is up to you to begin the conversation. For some of you, this will not be too difficult. Your parents are fairly open and easy to talk to about problems that concern you. For others of you who have not talked to your parents much about any of your problems, it can be tough. From my experience of talking to many teenagers about this problem, I find that the toughest part for them is to summon up the courage to begin the conversation. You may think that you don’t have the courage, but I’ll bet you do.

 

All of the teenagers I’ve talked to have considerable courage. Too often they doubt their courage because of the times they reported that they didn’t have “the nerve to talk,” because they were afraid they would stutter. I always repond to this by asking them to tell me the times in the last two or three days when they have talked even though they felt that they would stutter. If they did this even once—and all of them had—it took courage on their part.

 

You most certainly have talked at times when you felt scared inside. You were fairly certain that you would have trouble speaking but you spoke anyway. This took courage.

 

You should expect to feel uncomfortable, a little scared, when you begin to talk to your folks about a problem that is as personal as your stuttering is to you. I want to make some suggestions that should help make it easier. Teenagers have told me that they help. They’re worth a try.

 

First, select a good time and place to talk. Many families always seem to be in a hurry—Mom and Dad often are hurrying after getting home or are hurrying to go some place or are hurrying so they can hurry to do something else. And, don’t overlook the fact that often you are doing the same thing.

 

Therefore, find a time when there is time to talk. Examples of such times include when you’re riding together in a car or when you’re sitting around the table after dinner. Most families have times when it’s easier to talk with each other. Look for them. It can be with just one parent if that is more comfortable. Many report that it’s easier to talk when you’re doing things together—and when no one else is around.

 

Second, be aware that your parents are likely to feel awkward too. They may look down and fidget or sound rather abrupt or even act a little embarrassed. Don’t let these kinds of reactions get to you. Just remember that your folks have feelings too and—just like you—there are times when, at first, they don’t know what to say. For example, have you figured out yet how to talk to them about sex and have them look you in the eye as they answer—and not blush?

 

Third, think about the two points I’ve just discussed. I hope that you now can see how important it is that you start the conversation and set the tone for it. Be straightforward and direct in what you say. It can help if, at the same time, you acknowledge your own discomfort.

 

Some examples include: “I want to talk to you about my stuttering.” Then continue with, “I don’t know exactly how to begin,” or, “I’m embarrassed by it,” or “it’s hard to talk about” or any other statement that reflects the way you feel at the time.

 

Now, you’ve taken the first big step! You’re free to follow-up with any issue that you want to talk about. You don’t have to talk about all of them at one time. Pick several that are especially important to you and begin with them. The door is now open to talk about your stuttering at other times, in other places—and remember‚you will need to do your share to keep the door open.

 

 

If you are like most teenagers, your parents do this, or have done it. Parents report to me that they are only trying to help their child. You can explain to them that it really doesn’t help. If you are afraid that they will finish words or will talk for you, you have more trouble than you would otherwise. Explain to them that it is important to you that you do your own talking—that they will help the most by waiting for you to say what you want to say.

 

Once again look at it for a moment from their standpoint. If, when you begin to stutter, they finish the word for you and you then quit trying and just nod in agreement, it looks to them as if they have helped. If, on the other hand when they finish your word, you don’t stop but continue to stutter until you finish it, it is obvious to them that they are not helping. The same thing is true when they talk for you.

 

If you quit talking and nod in agreement, it looks to them as if they are helping. But, if you continue to talk—even though you stutter—and say what you want to say (even though it may be what your parents just said) it becomes obvious to them that they aren’t helping. In this way you show them that you can do your own talking.

 

Regardless of what they think, you know that it isn’t true—and you are right. You know that when you try as hard as you can, when you do everything you can figure out or that people tell you will help, you stutter anyway. Often you stutter more. Your parents need to understand this about stuttering. Explain to them about the way you feel and the things you do to try to help. If they still can’t understand, then they need to talk to a speech-language pathologist.

 

 

There are times when your parents may excuse you from doing certain jobs around the house that involve speaking, for example, running errands. You know that at first you feel relieved—but you’re embarrassed too. And, you’re not too proud of yourself if you know that a friend or your brother or sister do jobs like these.

 

Here is a very important reason to be able to talk to your folks. Explain to them that you may be scared at times but that you want to do your share. You’ll feel better and they will too—and it will be one more step in helping them understand your stuttering problem. You will need to be alert thereafter and be ready to volunteer to help around the house, run errands, or anything else where some talking may be necessary.